COGITO, ERGO SUM

Dear Sushant,

Wow. This is damn difficult than I thought it would be.

The moment I saw you dancing on the show, Jhalak Dikhla Jaa, I fell in love with the way you moved. I fell for your humility and your priceless smile.
So, when your debut Bollywood movie (Kai Po Che) came out, I bunked my classes at college and went to see you on the big screen with my entire batch. Even though I hated the fact that it was a story written by Chetan Bhagat (and that I’ve read it), I went to watch the movie because of you. Btw, I liked the story and I hoped the movie would be a better execution of it than the book.

You left me speechless. You, with your brash attitude, big dreams, and brotherly love, left me yearning for more of you. But in the end, when the bullet hits you, and you fall down the steps, I was stunned. And confused. For a whole minute, I couldn’t understand what just happened. That scene was not in the book. That scene was not expected. I was damn angry at that time and I started yelling in my head that it’s not fair. He wasn’t supposed to die.

Yesterday, and today, and every day from now on, I’ll keep saying the same thing again and again. You, of all people, were supposed to stay. You, who’s the reason for million souls staying, were not supposed to leave us. I’m damn angry and I’m yelling in my head and I cried all night last night. This was not expected.

Years after Kai Po Che, I went to watch Kedarnath with a friend. I wanted to see you, obviously. This time, your character was way different from all your other characters. But in the end, your character dies here too. I cried silently on my seat. Again. My specs fogged and my lips wet with salty tears. I was not ready to see you leave.

I was not ready to see you leave.

A few days ago, the same scene played on the TV screen, while I was having lunch with my family. I remember hiding the pain by stuffing my mouth with food and not looking at the screen. I remember boiling with anger at you for choosing such beautiful characters with tragic endings. Last evening, while talking to a friend, a phrase from one of your interviews started playing in my mind, “I am an introverted person, I’m very shy which is why I act,”

Is this why you decided to play those characters? So that you can die and then come back and then die again. Is this why you chose to play the character of Augustus Waters (another boy who has drilled a hole in my heart)?

Sushant, I hope you rest in peace. But if at all possible, please come back?
I know, you’ve fought. No matter how they say ‘You should’ve fought a little more’, I know that you’ve been fighting for a long time and that you’ve fought till the moment of that slip. I also know that you wanted to win. But your fight is over now. Your demons have pushed you off the edge.

But can you, please, come back?

11 Thoughts on “COGITO, ERGO SUM

  1. I am still so heartbroken and I don’t think that any of us can recover from this shock. You perfectly summarized what a gem he was! now he’s a star in that very sky which he wanted to explore!

  2. The incident is inexplicable. That’s not how we expected that his ending would be.

    But it’s all over now, may he rest in peace in the heaven. ❤️

  3. I wish this was enough for him. Knowing that so many loved him so much. Am sorry that love so strong and so abundant fell so short, so little.

    1. Your comment made me think of Augustus Waters and how he thought of himself. It just pains too much to even think that Sushant is going to come back with a role that has burned a hole through our hearts before.

  4. Just can’t believe still now……Wish it was a nightmare…..And all will ok ever after……I can watch him in the screen again with his any upcoming movie…..But it’s a hard truth to believe that he, his smile, his acting will only can missed by us…..Just want to say please return….If possible…….

  5. That is one heartfelt note pratyu. I cried too when I saw him die in Kai Po Che and kedarnath and started to hate the film because I didn’t want to see him die. I couldn’t take it onscreen but I resorted to the fact that he is ‘alive’, ever-smiling, waiting to deliver another brilliant performance on screen.
    But when I heard the news, I was shattered to pieces. I prayed to God for it to be a publicity stunt or it to be a false news, and all i was doing was sit online and find one source saying it was all a rumour. I kept saying…”this can’t be true, why will he die, he can’t die, he doesn’t ‘deserve’ to die”. The trauma is real hard. He was the kindest of all. I don’t know when my heart will stop grieving. He should have stayed.

    1. I don’t think our hearts will ever stop grieving for him. My mind keeps refusing to believe that he’s not alive anymore.

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